


I Feel It Break

by dannybsdadbod



Category: Hockey RPF
Genre: Angst, Cuddles, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gross Crowd Chants, Hockey, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Nico loves him a lot, Nolan's just a Sad Boi, Self-Doubt, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Hatred
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-14
Updated: 2018-01-14
Packaged: 2019-03-04 15:14:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,960
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13367385
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dannybsdadbod/pseuds/dannybsdadbod
Summary: Nolan knows he’s lying to the media, saying that this game isn’t a big deal. It’s the first time he’s playing the team that could’ve drafted him. The team that deemed him not good enough.





	I Feel It Break

**Author's Note:**

> Tonight was a lot. The first time Nico and Nolan played each other blah blah blah. Their interviews about it were so soft and nonchalant. They're both just soft boys. 
> 
> The fact there were chants against Nolan, the fact Hakstol is The Worst, the fact I personally think Nolan's hard on himself, these all played into me writing this. 
> 
> I wrote this in like. an hour and a half. I had a lot of emotions. 
> 
> Title taken from I Of The Storm // Of Monsters and Men
> 
> Trigger Warning: Nolan struggles with some self doubt that can be read as self hatred in a way, which is why it is tagged as such

Nolan knows he’s lying to the media, saying that this game isn’t a big deal. It’s the first time he’s playing the team that  _ could’ve _ drafted him. The team that deemed him not good enough. 

There’s so much hype about #1 and #2. God forbid they’re anything more than just a number to these people. 

It doesn’t help that this game is against his boyfriend. The guy he loves so much. He just wants to be good for Nico. Prove that he’s good enough for him, even if he really isn’t. 

He wasn’t even upset that Nico went first. He’s so happy for him, he’s so proud of him. He doesn’t care that Nico was chosen over him. 

It’s the comments that get to him. The media, the fans, everything. He’s never been good at blocking out others, to block out what people say about him. He already puts so much pressure on himself, and the confirmation of him not being good enough just. It sucks, to put it lightly.

Nico and him talk all the time. This bye week was great, they got to talk a lot. Facetime more than usual. Nolan came back early to spend time with Nico, too. It was so nice. 

\--

Nico audibly groans when he hears the knock on his door. It’s 9pm, he’s already comfy and enjoying trashy TV alone. If this is Hallsy  _ again _ , he’s gonna lose it. 

“Hi,” Nolan’s smiling on the other side of the door with two wawa cups in his hand. 

“Nols?” Nico smiles big and kisses him. “Nolan, what are you doing here?” 

Nolan hands Nico a cup, “Salted caramel hot cocoa, right?”

Nico smiles and takes a sip. 

“Not to be judgy or anything but… gross.”

“Gee, thanks, babe,” Nico deadpans. 

Nolan kisses him again and winks. “You love me, it’s fine.”

“Do I?” 

“I bring you your gross hot cocoa and give you cuddles. You better fucking love me.”

“You are not making a strong case for yourself.”

 

Nolan rolls his eyes, smiling. He links an arm around Nico’s torso and pulls him close. 

Nico hums, “Mmm, hi.”

“Hi,” He kisses Nico’s nose. “I missed you a lot.

“I missed you too.”

\--

The chants are what really throws him. 

He knows that first penalty was stupid. But sitting in the box just having to listen to it is fucking damaging. 

_ “Nico’s better.” _

God. As if he hasn’t heard that enough by now. As if his own mind doesn’t tell him that daily. 

Nolan avoids making eye contact with Nico as much as he can. He doesn’t think he can handle it. They both heard the chants. They both know. And Nolan can’t handle anymore pity from anyone else at this point. Especially not from Nico.

As if to add insult to injury, Hakstol fucking benches him. Because that’s always worked so well in the past. Benching young players who are having trouble with their confidence. Wow. Great strategy. 

Especially now of all times? It’s like he wants to prove to NJ that they made the better decision. That Nico  _ is  _ better. 

“I’ll talk to him,” Claude says low next to Nolan. “He’ll sit you for maybe two shifts. The refs are being especially touchy tonight, it isn’t you.”

“Thanks,” Nolan mumbles, barely opening his mouth. Because he never does.

“You’re doing great, as a whole. Fans can be gross and cruel.”

Nolan just nods because he really doesn’t think he can speak right now.

 

He comes out after being benched for two shifts with a fire under his ass. He needs to prove to New Jersey, prove to Philly, prove to himself that he is good enough. 

He wins his face off. He gets two shots on goal immediately. It’s not enough, but it’s a start. 

Coach nods his approval when he gets back to the bench. 

It’s a start. 

\--

Nolan’s just happy to finish post-game media with the fact that they won. If they lost, Nolan really doesn’t know if he’d of been able to hold it together. 

He knows he has to shower. Get changed, leave the rink, all of that. But he really just wants to see his boy right now. 

He grabs his phone to text Nico to see a text already there. 

 

**Nico** : 

meet me outside locker room after media?

 

Nolan sighs in relief. He locks his phone and heads out to find Nico already waiting. 

Nico hugs him, tight and quick. Just enough to hold Nolan over until he gets back to Nico’s apartment, yet not too much that anyone sees it as more than just a bro hug. 

“Hi,” Nico smiles. 

Nolan smiles, a little forced, “Hey.”

“Good win tonight.”

Nolan wishes his wore more than just his leggings, he wants to do nothing more than to reach out to Nico and grab his hand. If he had on regular sweats, he’d at least be able to stuff his hands in his pockets. But for now, they’re just awkwardly hanging there between them. 

“Thanks,” Nolan chuckles a little. 

“Sorry about–”

“No,” Nolan stops him. “Please,” He whispers, dropping his gaze. 

“Yeah, okay. Wanna drive home together?” Nico’s being cautious to keep his voice low, he knows there are a bunch of reporters taking pictures of them talking right now. 

Nolan nods, wringing his hands. “I’d like that.”

“We can pick up some hot cocoa on the way back to the apartment.”

Nolan smirks, “You’re just saying that because you want that gross fucking caramel stuff.”

“Excuse you! It’s  _ good _ .”

Nolan shakes his head. “Regular hot cocoa is good. Not that contaminated shit.”

Nico fake pouts, “Mean.”

“I should go shower and stuff. I’ll meet you at your car in 20?” 

“Sure. I…”

“Me too,” Nolan nods and smiles small. 

They can never be too cautious. Because according to society, bros don’t just tell bros they love one another. 

So they have to settle for the silent, almost saying it and hoping it’s enough to last. 

\--

Nolan strips out of his gameday suit the second they get back to Nico’s, pulling on a pair of sweats that he left here last night. They’re gray and worn and have the Wheat Kings logo on them and they make Nolan feel comfortable. Safe. Just like Nico does. 

Nico comes into the room to get changed as Nolan’s pulling a t-shirt over his head. 

Nico wraps his arms around Nolan’s torso from behind him. 

“Mmm,” Nolan hums and closes his eyes, laying his head back against Nico’s shoulder. “Hello.”

“Hello, schäzli,” Nico smiles, kissing Nolan’s cheek.

“M’so tired,” Nolan whispers. 

Nico nods and leads them to the bed. 

Nolan lays down and closes his eyes. It feels like hours until he feels Nico get into bed with him, although it’s probably only a few minutes. 

“Hey,” Nico’s voice is soft as he runs a hand through Nolan’s hair. 

Nolan can’t hold it together any longer. He breaks. The tears spill over easily and all at once. 

“Oh, schäzli.” Nico moves so he can hold Nolan better. “Nolan, baby, sh. Let it out.”

Nolan doesn’t dare open his eyes. He can’t handle seeing the pity in Nico’s eyes that is almost certainly there. He’s so tired of that look. He’s seen it too frequently from too many people. The last person he needs it from is Nico. 

Nico continues to pet through Nolan’s hair and keeps a protective hold on him while he cries. Nolan’s shoulders shake, he lets out these embarrassing, desperate noises with every sob. He wishes he could fucking disappear. Nico doesn’t leave, though. Nico stays. Nico holds him. 

When Nolan does finally open his eyes, Nico’s looking at him. But the look in his eyes is worry, not pity. And for a moment, Nolan’s taken aback. 

“Nolan?” Nico’s voice is soft, cautious. 

Nolan sniffs a little. Swallows. He opens his mouth to speak, but shakes his head and more tears fall. 

“Oh no, okay, it’s okay.” Nico pulls Nolan close into his chest. “Don’t talk. Just let me hold you, yes? You’re safe.”

“They’re right,” Nolan manages between his sobs. 

“No, no ones right,” Nico rubs Nolan’s back a little, trying to soothe him in anyway possible.

“None of those fucks are right. You are so incredible.”

“I’m not. I’m not good enough. Should’ve sent me down to Brandon this season.”

Nico kisses Nolan’s head. “The articles are so distorted and biased, Nols. You know this.”

“It isn’t just the writers, though!” 

“Those chants were disgusting,” Nico says through his teeth. He’s furious. He hates that the city he’s playing for could be that disrespectful to his boyfriend. “They do not know anything. They are in no position to be saying that.”

“But they aren’t wrong.”

“They are!” Nico says, a little too harsh. Nolan flinches. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to.” Nico rubs Nolan’s back again. “I’m sorry for getting loud.”

“S’okay,” Nolan mumbles into Nico’s chest. 

“It just makes me so angry. I love you. You are so talented. You do not deserve any of the shit you have to deal with. Laine and Eichel do not get half as much shit as you have gotten. It makes me furious.”

Nolan traces patterns into Nico’s chest and nods. 

“I love you,” Nico whispers into Nolan’s hair before dropping a kiss there.

“I love you,” Nolan repeats, drawing a heart on Nico’s chest. “So much.”

“Can you do me a favor?” 

Nolan looks up at Nico, “Hmm?” 

“Can you repeat something for me?” 

Nolan’s eyebrows are raised a little, wary, but he nods. 

“I’m a good hockey player. And a good person. I am worthy of love. I deserve to be proud of myself.”

“Nico…” Nolan tears up, feeling his throat tighten. 

Nico kisses Nolan’s forehead, “I know it is a lot. But it is true. Can you say even one of those sentences for me?” 

Nolan takes a deep breath, shuts his eyes, and repeats to Nico, “I am a good hockey player. And a good person.” He pauses and takes a few breaths. “I’m worthy of love. I deserve to be proud of myself.”

When Nolan opens his eyes again, Nico’s eyes are tearing up. 

“What’s wrong?” Nolan sits up a little more, trying to see Nico’s face better. He cups his cheek gently, “Love, what’s going on?” 

Nico smiles, “It just hurts me so much. When you hurt. And hearing you say those things about you. I know that was hard, but it is true. And it means so much to me that you tried and were able to repeat that.”

Nolan smiles small and kisses Nico, “I love you.”

“I love you too, schäzli. So, so much. Even when you do not love yourself.”

Nolan lays his head back down on Nico’s chest. They sit like that for a while, in a comfortable silence. 

“I’m so grateful for you, Nico. You’re my everything. I don’t say it enough, but I am so proud of you. For going first, for doing so well this season, for everything.”

“You don’t need to tell me these things for me to know you think this,” Nico says, kissing Nolan’s head. 

“I wish we could stay like this forever. Just us. Nico and Nolan. Not number 1 and 2. No hockey, no media. Just us.”

“One day, schäzli. One day, I promise you we will have that.”

Nolan looks up at Nico and presses a soft kiss to his mouth. 

“I cannot wait until that day.”

Nolan knows, though, that until then, he’s going to be okay. Because he has Nico. Because they  _ are _ just Nico and Nolan, when it comes down to it. And no matter what, Nico loves him. And for now, that’s all Nolan really needs. 


End file.
